Wanted: A Little Bit of Clarity

Killarney National Park, Ireland By the banks of this river all felt so clear...

I know, deep in my soul, I am not alone--that I am held by something greater, a loving kind all-wonderful presence.  I see Her work in my life, the many gifts that arrive on our doorstep--dear friends, wonderful opportunities, loving family.  Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed with the abundance of blessings.

But sometimes it can all feel surprisingly empty, like something might be missing.  Truthfully I have been restless lately, trying to put my finger on it.   But what on earth am I seeking?

I get on the computer and I search--hoping some kind angel will guide me to the information I need to see.  Strike one.  I flip through books impatiently hoping something will grab my attention--ignite a passion in me that I need need need to follow, a project, an idea...anything.  Strike two.  I sit quietly with it--or rather attempt to do so.  My mind wanders and jumps and just doesn't want to be still. Strike three.

After months of relentless fatigue I am gifted with space to do all the things I swore I would do if only I had the time.  But instead I find myself restless, none of these things holding the attention they deserve:  half-folding the clothes, half-reading my books, flipping through the TV, only half my heart able to focus on my son.  None of this satisfies this thirst--in fact it leaves me even more parched. 

I stay up so late kicking this around that I cannot wake to my alarm clock--not from crushing exhaustion but because I have barely gotten 6 hours of rest.  I tumble into my day a little discombobulated and muddle but find I can't focus, stay mindful, be present.  And then at night--I fidget again, seeking something I cannot name, something I cannot find.

I am lighting a candle tonight--asking for a bit of mental, spiritual rest.  I am saying a tiny prayer that I can just feel still and patient and wait for the clarity I am so itching to receive.  I know deep in my soul that I am not alone, that I am held by something greater and I believe that the answer is just bubbling beneath the surface of my heart.