Saying goodbye to October

October was a busy, almost manic month here at our house.  There was lots of activity.  Camping to pack for, parties to prepare for, festivals to travel to, house guests to host, weddings to attend.   I am exhausted just thinking about all that we did in October. 

October used to be my favorite month.  Its the month when the weather actually starts to turn, when sweaters come out.  Of Sunday with golden light and bright blue skies.  Its the month when soups are appealing again.  When the days grow shorter and we stay in with our loved ones, cuddling up against the coming cold.

Now I struggle with October.  It is the lonliest of months for me.

Juan and I were married in October.  We have so many memories of years of wonderful Octobers, of being new parents, of traveling to Mexico, of carving pumpkins and hosting parties, of  decorating for the fall holidays.  I loved rushing home in the darkening October days to rake leaves with him, or sit down to a spicy stew cooked just for me.  October reminds me of all the things I cherished about being his wife, that I appreciated about our partnership in better days.  And so now, even years later, even with all the water under our bridge, October without Juan feels a bit empty and hollow to me.

Its true that I still really miss him.

So I spent the month distracting myself.  I did it on purpose--making sure that every weekend we had something to look forward to, an event that would allow me to build new memories of October, new associations with the beautiful life Max and I have built in the last few years.  I surrounded myself with events and people that would allow me to hold October with happiness again.  And it mostly worked.  Each year that we pass through this month I feel a little less melancholy.  This month I mostly felt blessed and happy.  My focus was on my present not my past.  I felt that I was exactly where I needed to be, for better or for worse.

But in the letting go of October I need to admit that I still feel the loss of him--need to face it so it doesn't haunt me like a ghost left over from Halloween. 

My dear friend Stephen likes to remind me that the mark of a truly intelligent human being is that she can hold two completely contradictory ideas in her mind and know them both to be true. 

I have said over and over again  (and meant it every time) that the loss of my marriage was one of the most important events in my life, that it was a test of fire that shaped me in a truly positive way, that it provided the kick in the pants I needed to wrestle with some really mean demons and that as a result I am a much healthier and happier person.  This was a journey I had to take and I am so glad to be on the other side of the mountain,

But tonight I acknowledge that even as  I am blissfully happy in my new life, I am also terribly sad to have lost the old one.  That while I am so happy to be on the road I am on, I sometimes wish I never had to go here.  That I love where I am, but hate how I got here.  That I wish I could share this magical place where I reside right now with him.