Beginnings...And Endings...And Beginnings
Last month, Karen over at Chookooloonks sponsored a postcard swap. The idea was simple but lovely. Sign up and get a list of 12 others who had also signed up. Make homemade postcards for each person on your list and then mail them all out on the same day. The theme of this swap was beginnings, a perfect theme considering that September is hailed by mothers, teachers, and students alike as the real start of the new year.
September has always been a month of beginnings for me. As we bid farewell to summer's last lazy days and buckle down anew at school or work its a time of renewal. Its also always been a time of symbolic rebirth for me. Earlier this week I turned 38. September is always the start of my new year.
September also marks for me the beginning of the inwards turning season. While spring and summer are flamboyant and extroverted, fall and winter are times for introspection, contraction, looking within. While spring and summer call for huge neighborhood picnics in the park, fall and winter call for intimate gatherings around a cozy table lit with candles.
I love the extroverted season--the explosions of green, the lengthening light, the spontaneous neighborhood get togethers. But usually about this time I start to crave some space and time for myself. I welcome the fall and the beginning of looking inward, of nesting and waiting for spring.
But to be honest, this week I have not been feeling it. Or rather I have been feeling it too much. I am mopey and sad. I have been focused on endings--the ending of a fabulous summer, the ending of my marriage, the fact that I am not where I imagined I would be at 38. And given that this is where I am currently standing, the thought of turning inward makes me edgey and nervous. The end of the social season makes me feel just a little bit lonely. The thought of this cool dark season gives me a case of the shivers.
I was feeling sorry for myself earlier today, sharing with a friend that Juan had handed me the signed papers of our separation the day before my birthday. She empathized with me, commenting that he had rained on my September "beginnings parade" with one hell of an endings thunderstorm.
But later it dawned on me that he gave me the best beginnings birthday present he could have. Because now at 38, I will NEVER have to ask him to sign these papers. I can get past at least this big hurdle and make this whole year not about getting to a conclusion but about beginning again. I turned 38 with one less burden to bear...one less package to slow me down on my new journey.
Silver lining thinking? Maybe so. But it works...at least right now. I am feeling like I can stop thinking about endings and turn my thoughts back.
So a few days late, I am proposing for myself a little birthday project. In her zine Beginnings, Jen Lemen presents a couple of fun exercises to help imagine and dream your way into launching new ventures. While I did them less than 7 months ago, I am going to pull them out and revisit them, perhaps make some art around them. If you yourself are at the same place, Beginnings is a good place to start.
Happy new school year! Happy Birthday to me! and Happy Beginnings to all of Us
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